There is nothing but love....and what a scary thing that is.

I often ask myself why I fear being alone so much. I've often answered myself by reminding myself that I don't want to become my mother. I don't want to be alone and bitter. I don't want to wish I'd left my heart open instead of closing up because of what a few men have done to it. I don't want to wish that I'd allowed someone good and loyal and loving into my heart.

Not that he's around right now.

There aren't any men around that are worthy of me. The good thing about being alone is that you are forced to look at yourself a little more and not focus so much on someone else's shortcomings. I know mine. I'm aware of how emotional I get and how I want to believe the best out of people so much that I overlook the worst too much. But how is that so terrible? I don't know how to love differently. Can one train oneself to love differently than they already do? Is it so wrong to want to love someone as hard as you can? I would rather love as fiercely as possible while I'm here than get to the end of my days and realize that I held back. How can I hold back when I'm completely incapable of doing that?

There has to be a way around this. My mother keeps saying that God will send me someone. God will send me someone. Wow. THAT'S comforting. Last time I got a "God-Fearing Man" he ended up being a devil in a Sunday hat. He destroyed my faith. God doesn't have as much control over who loves us as my mother would like to think. How can you give the gift of free will and MAKE someone love someone else? That's backwards as hell! So, I don't believe that someone is being sent to me. I want to believe it, but it's hard to do when you just don't have the faith you used to.

I want love. I want it more than anything. A love that will last. A love that's real. A love that isn't hindered by.......anything! I want a love that will make me forget all the pain I've ever felt. Something that will be everything to me AND to him.

Does it even exist?